Not a pretty girl

Some of my CDs are gone. Left in Kansas City, and I am wondering whether it is worth it to try to get them back.

I have tried to keep moving forward and most of the time I do well, but the little things still trip me up. I don't have my things in any semblance of order and I don't like that. For those of you who've seen some of my other rooms, I know you're finding it hard to believe I am hating having no order, but this is different. Every time I try to find something new, it is at least a 15 minute ordeal. Some days I just want to throw it all out into the middle of the desert and start from scratch.

That's basically what I've been trying to do with myself. Unfortunately it isn't that easy. There is a whole world of people out there whom I love and many of them feel the same about me. It makes me feel so safe. I could go to any region of the country and find friendly faces, homes, sofas. I love it.

If it wasn't for my family, I'd probably be having a great time here. I'm not miserable by any counts, but they are expecting things from me again. Favors, repayment of sorts. I don't want to be indebted to them any more that I have to be because I know they'll call it in at an inconvenient time. I love my family, but I love them better from a distance. It's not like I only see them as they truly are when I'm here, but I definitely only experience them as they truly are when they're around. I don't fit into the dynamic anymore. I've been gone for six years.

I really want to take this opportunity, situation, whatever to do something for myself. I've not made many selfish decisions and I'm relishing the thought of saying "thanks, but no thanks" to the people that love me best, but know me least at this point in my life. Now all I have to do, is raise enough money for them to take me seriously when I do.