ramblings

So, it's been a long while since I posted. I've been in my head a lot and am thinking that it is time to get some of it out in public forum.

To say that last year was "hard" seems a bit of an understatement, but I feel like sensationalizing it will erase all the good parts from the year as well. I'm not going to do a laundry list of all things fun about last year, but I do want to assert the fact that I had a lot of fun in between the stand out difficult times that made me question why I was on this earth.

Now that there is distance and perspective, I'm able to look at things in a whole different light. I can't say that I'm happy about the way things turned out per se, but I can't imagine it going any other way. It makes so much sense that it ended in such a fantastic and dramatic way, because at the end of the day, we were nothing if not showmen.

When something big and crazy happens, it is so hard to know what to do with yourself and who to believe. I was always told that divorce is bitter and hard. And it is. So hard. I've spent so much time wondering if things could have gone differently, but I know in my heart that I don't want it back.

I like myself so much better now that I know who I can become, and I sincerely hope he feels the same way. We both needed huge wake up calls that we could not continue our lives as we were living them, and we delivered.

Things are messy and sometimes they are hard, but I'm kind of loving every minute. I'm dating someone so amazing and trying to take it one day at a time. I don't know if this person is "the one" and I'm fine with not knowing. I hope I listen to myself and ask for what I need and know when it is time to walk away if I won't get it.

I also hope he's doing the same thing. I hope he is confident enough in himself to know that he is enough, and that the pretending and the lies are what I hated. I hope he learns, as I have, that he is worth all the good things that will come his way both as a result of his own initiative and the cosmic powers that have guided us all thus far.

I want to let go and move on and I want to give him permission to let go and move on because we have already become what might have been.