sigh

Sleep is not my forte.

I lie awake and think of all the things before me. I'm definitely not deluded into thinking that my life is so much more difficult than anyone else. I just have big things going on that alternately terrify and delight me.

I like to joke that I'm exactly where I planned on being at 24; homeless, jobless, and divorced. What little girl didn't grow up dreaming of a failed marriage without the ability to make it a solid year? Proof that your instincts know more than you ever give them credit for, I suppose. It sounds silly, but I always knew I was bigger than that marriage, I just thought I could carry it, see it through for a few more years.

A lot of people ask me what I've learned from the whole experience. I'm still sorting it out, but here are a few things I've been able to pinpoint.

I learned that I have never known myself. It sounds so cheesy, but twelve weeks ago, I couldn't tell you what I wanted to do with my life other than a general outline of vague goals. Part of that was me not letting myself want anything. I had a career and that was apparently enough. I was on the back burner. I hated who I was when I couldn't dream. I hated that I couldn't stand up and tell anyone what I needed. I hated that I couldn't tell myself.

I learned that I have never been completely loved. That is a sad, sad thing. I always held on to the illusion that I was. I believe he loved me as much as he could, but it was limited and unfulfilling. People who love each other don't lie. People who love each other don't do so many things...

I learned that both of us had failures leading up to this. I am definitely not blameless and it doesn't do to try to match it out blow for blow. I need to accept my shortcomings and take it in stride. I'll do it better from now on.

I learned we loved each other. But not enough. Not enough that we'd go crazy if the other wasn't in the world. Not enough that we'd give up whatever we wanted to make the other person happy. Not enough never to ask that the other person give up anything. Not enough that we felt safe with honesty.

I'm not bitter. I'm just sad about it all. And thankful in a strange way. I'm only 24 and already I'm starting my life over. I've been reborn and given a second chance to make good on what I've been given and what I've been sent to do.

There have been a few key operatives who've helped me see the way and I'm so thankful to them for their love, acceptance, advice, and strength through the whole damn messy business.

It is a terrible thing, but right now most of the time I'm really having fun. I'm in my element out here alone in space. And I've started to take care of things that will set me up to be successful the second time around.

I'm just taking it one day at a time with confidence that tomorrow will come.